it's not easy being this amazing...

four days goes by fast!

2009-02-25T01:23:49Z

My best friend Alyssa, that I've known since 6th grade flew in from cali for a short visit on saturday and left this afternoon. We did everything from bar hop, to the movies, to massages and shopping. It was lots of fun, and exactly what I needed! I wish she could have stayed longer, but I'm so grateful she gave me a break from the caos.

cleaning. ugh

2009-02-13T15:12:41Z

i dread cleaning. it is on the top of the list of my least LEAST favorite things to do. I always have tons of clutter because I dont really throw things away I just pile them in places that they cant be seen. sort of out of sight out of mind. but today, i am cleaning. i already cleaned out my car. it was so messy and my trunk was so full i couldnt even put my new stroller in it. so it was about time. but now all that trash and junk is sitting in my kitchen, waiting for some attention from me. ugh. i just hate it. but i better get it done while it's early and i have nothing else to do.

day...whatever.

2009-02-13T07:16:10Z

So. I've been avoiding LJ. mostly because i just cant give up the drinking. i also decided against the anti depressents. thats just not the quick fix i want it to be, not at all.

in other news. i have an IUD to prevent pregancy and its been giving me like alot of issues latly. i had my period like a week and half ago, and all of a sudden this week i started bleeding and cramping again. first it was spotting but then it got to the point where i needed a pad. i went to the doctor. he did an ultra sound to make sure everything was in place and it is. the doctor is totally confused and so am i as to why all of a sudden i am having this problem. ive had the IUD for over a year. he gave me BC pills to take to regulate my cycle. hope it works. this is no fun.

i managed to lose my camera. the same camera that caught jr sitting up for the first time. im so mad at myself because i do not know HOW i managed to lose it. Ive called every resturant and place ive been too since monday when i lost it...nothing. Ive searched and searched the car and my friends car. i am just so mad, i cant replace those pictures or videos. man. it SUCKS. thankfully i put a ton on my myspace. but not all. not all.

i have been sleeping better. not tonight. but it's gotten ALOT better than it was. and im not on any pills or anything. so thats good.

ok. im gonna go back to sleep now.

JUNIOR SAT UP FOR THE FIRST TIME!

2009-02-04T15:29:54Z

last night...i sat junior up on the bed, and normally he just falls back on the pillows, but he didn't. he got his balance and used his hands to rest on his knees like he has learned in therapy and he sat up on his own for a couple minutes!!!! then, he did it again this morning in the play room! i got it on camera and video!!! im so EXCITED! THIS IS BIG!

DAY 10

2009-01-30T06:41:51Z

I finally made it to the doctor. damn idiot wont give me any sleeping pills but he did give me happy pills. major dilema...anti-depressents and alchohol dont mix at all. the doc knows how much i drink but doesnt know the extent of my dependency. he basically said drinking is a non option though while taking the pills. i dont know what the hell to do.
instead of giving me sleeping pills, even though i havent had a good night sleep in like 10-11 days, he said to try tylenol pm. wtf? im so annoyed. monday im calling his ass. im gonna say the shit didnt work and to give me the real shit. i need to freaking SLEEP damnit.

DAY 8

2009-01-28T16:03:23Z

OK. So, today I got up and my car was completly iced over. Took thirty minutes with the heater on just to melt enough ice to see out the window.
I took jr to daycare. Then decided to go to the child support office. I thought I'd actually talk to someone while there, but yea right they just gave me this really long application and said to come back when I'm done.
Even after taking TWO sleeping pills last night, I only got maybe 4 hrs of sleep. I was tossing, turning, and it was really miserable because I'm so TIRED. but i cant sleep. it sucks.
But, I have my doc appt today at 1:30. I hope I can get some shut eye before that. Junior is at daycare and I dont have to go into work today. I really need to get some rest, like seriously.
That bottle of grey goose I bought is half empty.
Ok. I'm gonna go. I need to eat. Then try to sleep.

day 7 cont...

2009-01-27T11:16:28Z

so its 5am. i've gotten like 4 hrs of sleep, maybe. the day is already here. no point of trying to sleep now. and even if i wanted to, i CAN'T. like I'm TIRED, but i can't go to sleep. I've done laundry. Now I'm gonna clean the kitchen, my most dreaded chore of all, and then it will be time to wake up jr, bathe him and get him all ready for day care. then it's the annual physical therapy thing. i got my first ssi check yesterday so i take it that means he now gets medicaid...which, omg, omg, if i wasnt going through everything else i would be more excited...but i am grateful.
i need to remember to bring up the fact that i want to enroll jr in a special needs school. ECI should be able to guide me in the right direction with that. i need to get on that as soon as possible.
oh yea and i have a doc appt for jr at 9:20 today...i found a cyst on his neck the other day, so i wanna get that checked out asap. i remember i had to get a cyst removed from my neck with i was younger...like 7 or 8 maybe. i really really hope this cyst is nothing. i dont need ANYTHING else to be bad right now. nothing. nada. zip.
oh and after the doc appt, i get to go to work. by the time i get to work around 11 i should be absolutly exhausted. if not before then. but there is nothing i can do about it now. ugh.

the day after.

2009-01-26T18:59:45Z

it's always the day after, that you regret your inability to fight the urge of pouring that vodka into that cup of ice and redbull the night before.

the day after you deal with the consequences. the people that you have hurt.

the day after you seek forgiveness from those that have been here with you before, or maybe are victims of your drunken escapades for the first time.

the day after the guilt fills your body, your lungs, your heart. you can't breath because your fearful of the consequences. you know that this all happened because of the alchohol. but nobody cares about that. they care that it was YOU. YOU fucked up. YOU are to blame. YOU did it, again.

the day after, I always make alot of promises. To myself and other people. I beg forgiveness. I promise change. But I can't always keep my promise. In fact I've never kept my promise. Not to anyone, not even myself.

it's the day after. i'm full of sorries. i'm full of promises. i'm full of regret, as always.

[breath]

2009-01-15T02:06:41Z

if it's not one thing it's another, right?

my apartment complex called me today. apparently mark turned off the gas back in october and since then the bill hasn't been paid. i honestly forgot all about the gas...but my apartment complex informed me that they have an outstanding bill of like $100 and i need to pay it asap. in fact the gas company had planned on shutting off my gas tomorrow. so i called the gas company and had it put in my name. of course along with the $100 already past due i also have to pay $60 in fees and deposits. totally bullshit. but it's life i guess.

mark has been texting me and bothering me for about a week now, saying that we need to talk. i thought i would get rid of his ass after i allowed him to get the living room and dinning room furniture last week (i kept the bedroom furniture). but of course there is always SOMETHING. so i finally gave in after avoiding him for a week. told him i'd meet him at target. we meet at the food court.

the conversation was pointless. he started telling me that he's gonna take mark...as soon as his recruiting duty is up. im thinking...you IDIOT. you have taken our son over night...and when i say overnight i mean from 6pm-8am FIVE times since SEPTEMBER. but yet he thinks a judge will grant him full custody. not only that, its like pulling effing teeth to get him to pay child support. he doesnt pay half of daycare. he turned all of the power, gas, phone, ect off when he moved out. but he claims that im a crazy unfit mother. ha! so i asked him...well if im such an unfit mother, then why haven't you taken your son from me? why would you allow such an "unfit" mother to be the primary parent? he didnt have shit to say besides..."because your his mother." mark is full of shit. he just needs to have my child support on time every month, fo real. i'm going on friday to the attorney general to get child support set up and find out about the divorce process. mark claims he is ready to divorce as well. im glad. it's time to get the party started.

so after that conversation...i got jr from daycare and came home. i see that my toyota corolla 98' that doesn't run and is like a big mess of problems has a warning sticker on it issued by apartment that says that they plan to tow it friday because its in unacceptable condition. greeeeeat! ugh. i dont have the money to be spending to get it out of the tow place once they tow it...or to have it towed somewhere else...plus i have nowhere else to park it. ugh. im so annoyed. so so annoyed.

ok let me go watch the real world. i don't know how i feel about this season. the transgendered roomie...it's a little much for me. and im from liberal ass california, shame on me. lol. but maybe i'll change my mind...

alyssa is coming to austin!

2009-01-14T15:46:21Z

omg my best friend alyssa in cali is coming to visit for a few days the end of feb! im super excited. this is like exactly what i need! yah!

No birthday call from Mama

2009-01-05T17:05:27Z

So my 24th birthday came and passed Saturday. Did my mother pick up the phone and call and wish me, he daughter a Happy Birthday? Ha. No, of course not. But I get shit when I don't wanna acknolege her on Christmas. Fucking bullshit man. Really. I mean my soon to be ex husband at least sent a text man. So year year 2 in a row, no phone call from the _____.

But aside from that, lol...I really did have a very decent birthday. I went to go see Trans Siberian Orchestra live an OMG OMG it was freaking AMAZING. I've never seen anything like it in my LIFE and I just loved it.

I also went to San Antonio this weekend and saw a comedy friday night. Got drunk as hell Saturday on my actually bday and Sunday saw the orchestra so every eventful birthday weekend and overall great and one to be remembered.

My 2009 savings plan

2008-12-29T17:16:34Z

I'm starting to really really want to go back to California. Not permanetly or anything. I need a vacation. Even if it wasn't california, but with a few of my close friends. Like a cruise or something.
But of course, a vacation costs money. And money is something I don't have much of right now. Now that being said all my needs are met, and I've actually been saving more now than I ever have before. But with the economy the way it is it's like I'm always afraid that something bad is gonna happen, like I could lose my job. Every day I hear my boss talked about the economy and how he's losing clients, laying people off, ect. I mean, right now the ecomony is affecting just about everyone I know, and it sucks.
Regardless of my fears, I've decided to start a "vacation" fund. I'm putting money aside every month and hopefully in 2010 i can pick and place and GO. I've never said for something long term really and stuck too it. Besides my first car. But I really hope I can stick to this because boy do I need it.

I did it.

2008-12-27T01:45:16Z

I talked to my mother. For the first time in over a year, I dialed the number that leads to the Bryant residence. Since the "innocodent" last October, I have avoided calling the "house" number and have reached either my brother or dad directly on their personal cell phone numbers to avoid the possibility of having any interaction with my mom, even a simple "hello?"

I did it last night. Christmas day. At like, 10pm. I had not been able to get service all day. I was in rural area and didn't get any service all day until I returned to Austin.

My mother and I actually had a converstation. She was pleasant. She immediatly brought up Junior and had questions about his delays. I had been getting sick for the last couple days, and was losing my voice so I was straining to speak. But we talked for a good fifteen minutes about everything from Junior to the divorce. But didn't get into to much detail about anything.

I don't regret having the conversation but I kow that I'm still not ready to have a ready to have a relationship with my mom. Yea. I called. I was cordial, so was she. But she has a disease. And I know that if I let her back into my life, I will be hurt. Of course, I would like to believe that people change and that I can have my mother back in my life and have a healthy relationship...but that's just not the case with her.

I know that by having the brief interaction that we did, I have to be very careful with how I proceed with future phone calls, interactions, ect. I know that my father will insist that I talk to her more often, now that I talked to her on Christmas. It's so not fair, the position that puts me in. I really don't know what's to come...

I don't want to talk to her

2008-12-23T19:08:14Z

So christmas is like...here. I swear I've been preparing little by little since beginning of November but still feel overwhelmed with the fact that NOTHING has been wrapped yet and I still need to get a gift card or two from very specific places that aren't really convenient and I just don't know if I'll find the time.
Also, I had a very bad conversation with my father two days ago which ended in a yelling match and me hanging up. He called me ten minutes later and told me he is sorry that the conversation ended up the way he did and he wishes me a happy holiday. What started the argument was of course the one subject I don't ever bring up: my mother. I haven't spoken to the woman in over a year and have no desire too. I don't wish to have her in my life, speak to her, or really have anything to do with her. Last October when she attacked me with junior in my arms was the last straw. A year later, the hatred has left my heart but I still don't want anything to do with the woman.
That being said, my father and I did not speak until this October. A year after the big incident. He called me in October. The first conversation was rough. He tried to defend my mother and say that us not speaking was affecting everyone and that it's not just her fault, it's my fault too. I was very defensive and told him that I refuse to speak to her, I don't want anything to do with her, and don't want her included in converstations between us if we choose to keep talking. He agreed. But of course, this last month he has been bringing her up little by little. When I update him on the details of junior and his delays, and the recommendations of the physical therapists he will comment that maybe I should talk to my mom about this, that it has to be overwhelming and that she IS my mother. I always tell him politely that I'm not ready and the subject normally changes.
But Sunday after after a half hour long of pleasant conversation, my father asks me, "So ya know when you call on christmas...what do you think, your gonna call and say merry christmas to your brother and I but not even acknolege your mother? Don't you think that's RUDE Noelle?" I responded that I don't know if I am ready to achnolege her yet, to talk to her even in a simple exchange of hello...but that I would pray about it and we'll see what happends. Next thing I know my father is yelling at me saying that it's not all her fault and that I need to take responsibility for my part and that I've been lying to everyone in the family about what happend but WE ALL KNOW IN OUR HEARTS what REALLY HAPPEND. And it turned into a screaming match and I hung up the phone. He called back like I said. But it really has been affecting me because it really hurts me that he still to this day will sit and tell me that it's not my mom's fault. As if I really am lying. As if she really didn't attack me with my baby in my arms. Then come back a couple minutes later and wrestle me to the ground hitting me in the face with her keys and blood getting everywhere. Me having to call the police and getting my stuff, my baby and leaving her mom for the remainder of my "vacation" to california. He won't admit it, but the reason he is so angry is because he knows that he did shit about it. He is her enabler.
Well since sunday I've been pulling my hair out like crazy. I mean it's bad. Last night I was up at 4:30 in the morning pulling my hair. It gets really bad whenever I am triggerd by the stress of my mother. Even though we haven't spoken in over a year...I know the anger and passion that came through the phone Sunday, disguised by my father's voice...they were the words of my mother. I am not ready for her back in my life. And with all that's going on in other aspects of my life, I just don't know what to do. And I do not plan to acknolege her on Christmas. Or her birthday. Or mother's day. I'm not ready. That bitch isn't sorry for a damn thing she has done...not last October or any other times of abuse. So...yea that's where I'm at with that.
It was hard enough to send a gift card to Red Lobster and the movies...addressed to "The Bryant Family" and signed love Noelle and Mark Jr. I mean that was a big step. Last year I only sent something to my brother. So...I feel like I took a big step this year even though I didn't acknolege anyone specific on the card or envelope, to avoid having to exclude my mother...because I do admit I think it would be rude. But yea...I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I'll call anyone on christmas anymore. Because I don't want to talk to my mother.

I've got alot on my mind...

2008-12-22T16:17:56Z

So, I'm like so ready to move on with my life. There is no change of reconsilation with the man that I once loved and thought I would be with forever. He claims that he still loves me and wants to work things out but I am so beyond that. There is just one thing, one big think that is keeping me from filing for the big "D"...health insurance.
Right now I'm working as a personal assistant. I make good money. Since I kicked Mark out I haven't been without. I'm getting my shit together as far as finances. I'm trying to save as much as I can. Of course mark has done everything in his power to set me back financially. He turned everything off that was in his name and that cost me about a thousand dollars putting it all back in my name, paying deposits and deductibles, ect...but I'm caught but just about all the way and I'm really proud of myself.
Just recently though, I totalled my car. Mark actually took me off the Gieco insurance without telling me...and it just so happend that five days before I totalled my car I happend to find out I had been driving around without insurance for a month!!! Thank god I got some cheap insurance with a no name company and was insured fully when I got into an accident that caused $9000+ worth of damage to my car. But when that happend I spraned my shoulder and had to go to the hospital. I am still covered under Mark's military insurance, so I paid nothing for going to the hospital. I just think...what if something happends? without insurance, I do NOT have the money to go to the doctor. My job does not offer insurance. So that is my delima. That is why I have not filed. But it's getting harder and harder not to make it final. Mark didn't pay child support on the 15th. I have not yet filed for child support and was counting on him to pay what the military calculated he should pay. But he hasn't and the military has set up no formal child support. So I've decided that I have no choice but to go to the attorney general and make his ass pay. It's not fair to me to have to get paid child support whenever he feels like paying. So...I'm not going to say anything to him about the child support I'm just gonna file and have his ass be suprised when the government ganishes his wages.
My baby is really what's important. Junior is gonna be two in April. We still don't know what exactly is wrong with my little guy besides him have low muscle tone. He still needs support to sit up and will not bear weight on his legs to stay or walk. At 25lbs he is getting to heavy for me to carry for long periods of time, and his physical therapist has already suggested he is sized for a wheelchair. I applied for medicaid and SSI because his fathers military insurance is not convient in Austin. The closest pediatric neurologist is 2 hrs away that accepts tricare and with medicaid he has alot more local options. Junior is very delayed. He is in the 5-7month range on all levels including motor and play skills. He is still the happiest baby I have ever known and the best thing that ever happend to me. I pray that we find out soon a diagnosis and what more we can do. I'm happy that I'm finding out so many resources available to me as a single mom. It has been such a blessing.

I'm back...

2008-12-13T19:11:39Z

Yes, I did fall off the face of the earth.
So much has happend. So much has changed. It was bad, really bad. But I'm so happy now. I am transitioning from a miserable married person, to a grateful single mother. I am LOVING my life. Mark is out of the apartment. I don't want him in my life EVER again. We are still "married" but I have no intention of staying married. I don't know what the hell he's waiting on but as far as I know nothing has been filed. I'm 23 years old and I seriously just am so grateful that I have my whole life ahead of me. I am so glad that I am not staying in the toxic relationship I was in. Mark has done everything to try to get me down since he left the apartment. He hacked into my email address atheniansista04@yahoo.com and my AIM acct. I still cant access those accts. He has turned off the electricity, the gas, the phone line. He harasses me on a regular basis by coming by the apartment all hours of the day and night. He took me off the auto insurance without letting me know. I found out my accident and thank god because 5 days after I got full coverage with another company I got into a horrible crash with $9,000 in damages. It's been crazy. Mark is trying to come back to me but it's been since september that ive even seen him (besides him harrasing me on the other side of the door). But yea I'm planning on coming back to live journal. I went a little while without internet because Mark cut that off too but now everything in my apartment is in MY name and I'll be the one to turn anything off from now on.

i still havent gone back

2008-07-20T19:17:50Z

so mark and i are on talking terms. he basically came to me last week BEGGING for me to not get a legal seperation. he says he is not made at me for reacting the way i did or for going to his gunnery sergeant. he says he is NOW willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. he says that he is sorry it took all of this for him to finally realize that he has been treating me like a dog.

he has agreed to change his phone number. he called kenisha and let her know that they cannot be friends any longer, thats just how its gonna be. he has agreed that there will be no such thing as privacy any longer...no privacy on the computer or cell phone (and it goes both ways). he has agreed to following the budget (he actually started that a couple weeks ago and its been going well) and he is setting up counseling for us himself, which should hopefully start in the next week or so.

while all this is happening, i have not come home. he has begged. he has gotten upset. but i will not go back. not until i SEE these changes. he understands how we got here, and thats the first step. but i need to know that we wont get here again.

this is very hard. this weekend i dropped junior off, and i went back to my friends house (where i am staying) and it was so hard because mark was asking me to please come back, to spend the night. of course i wanted too! but i stayed strong. tonight i plan on doing the same thing, he has already asked if i would stay the night...i wont. i am still gonna rent the room in my friends house for at least another month. we need it. i KNOW that if i were to move back in NOW nothing has changed. we both need enough time to pass for us to see progress.

i pray that we can get back to where we started, which was completly in love. i pray that counseling helps and that we can start fresh. i pray that i can learn to forgive and to show mark my appreciation for the changes he makes as he makes them, instead of being bitter of the past and not "letting it go" (i have a real REAL problem with this). i pray that we can get it together, for junior's sake and ours.

I'M BEING TESTED

2008-07-17T20:45:10Z

THIS MORNING MARK STARTS THE TEXTING

MARK TEXTS ME 7:55am: BABE...
(i dont respond)

AT 9:45AM HE TEXTS ME: Noe, hope you have a good day sweety
(i dont respond)

10:23AM HE TEXTS ME: I will be at your work for lunch today so we can talk

10:33AM HE TEXTS ME: Please I have alot on my mind. And I know and understand you dont care for me. I just need to talk.

12:12PM HE TEXTS ME: I dont want to leave. just please hear me out. I will leave you alone. I feel we need to talk in person I will leave you alone.

12:32 I RESPOND: First of all i am not takin a lunch today. I cannot afford too. I took a half day off to take care of some stuff. Second you are playing games. I will not allow you to bring me along on this roller coaster, i have ridden this ride long enough, I am DEMANDING my space.

12:47 PM MARK TEXTS ME: I know that i have taken advantage of you. i realize that I have played you. I know that you need your space. I would like to talk to you. We need to talk. Please.

1:02PM I RESPONDED: i dont need anything from you besides for you to leave me alone. this will be my last response to you. one minute you want to leave the next you want to stay the next you declare war the next you see the error of your ways. mark i have heard enough. I WILL NOT WITH YOU. GOOD BYE. i plan on dropping the baby off on sunday after i get out of church. GOODBYE.

1:33 PM HE TEXTS BACK: My mind was clouded with anger, frustration. And it was anger and frustration with me and the decisions I made. You right, you do not need anything from me. The one thing that I BEG of you is to PLEASE hear me and give me the chance to letchu tell you in person what i feel. I have hurt you. I wanna letchu know how I feel about doing that. And you can do whatever YOU think WE need to do. Please.

I never responded back. I can't. I feel like this is the cycle that i am always coming back too. this is marks test. this is so hard because i want to go back. i want to feel like he finally see's the light he all of a sudden realizes that his wife and family are worth far more than these ho's he keeps giving so much attention too. but mark needs some time for this to "settle" and for him to REALLY REALLY see what it feels like to be alone, without his wife by his side. I am really gonna try to give it a full month before I talk with about moving forward or proposing counseling. I hope I have the strength.

MARK WAS CAUGHT DRINKING IN THE GOVERNMENT VEHICLE!!!

2008-07-16T16:58:01Z

oh wow. i just found out from a very very good source military related (that i wont mention) that my husband about 2 weeks ago was caught drinking and driving the government vehicle!!! so THAT'S what gunny was so pissed about and what he was referring to. i guess they were still in the process of dealing with THAT so when i came about the infedility issues i had no idea mark had already dont this shit. ahhhhhh what an idiot! well that makes me feel better. it aint my fault he may be kicked out the military. his dumb ass!

what have i done?!?!

2008-07-16T01:30:53Z

today i just fucking lost it. i went to check the cingular account because i wanted to see if mark was still talking to other woman, even after everything that we have been through, after all the promises and tears. NOPE! he is texting that same kenisha girl the so-called-highschool-best friend (yr the one that i aint NEVER meet and that NEVER calls my house) they have been talking and texting all hours of the night and day since i left the house.
i printed out ALL the texts and phone calls for the last couple months and then i went on my live journal. i have documented everything thats happend on here and i printed out all my entries dated back since september. i cut out the main journals that document the major shit that he has been doing over the last yr. in september he gets the "i wanna be your fuck buddy text"...confesses to meeting the bitch at the park...i take him back. in november i find out he is still talking to kenisha..calling and texting her waaaaaaaaaaay to often and he apologizes, i take him back. in december he goes to alabama he gets a call forwarded to the house phone at 4am...i call the number back, some girl answers telling me he just left her house...he NEVER tells me who she is until about a month ago he comes up with some lame story that he was his friends sister and yada yada...once again, i take him back. in febuary i find out he is having money transfered into a secret account, i again...take him back. and now recently i found out he has created a private myspace which he tells me "is for the military" AHAHAHAAHAHAAHA(hes a retard). i STILL try to give him one last chance. i had all this shit printed out in order. i told gunny all of it.
gunny aint happy. he said that this is major. he said that mark has been counseled already. he said that mark acts like he doesnt understand he doesnt WANT to understand. gunny then told me that he doesnt know if mark has told me about his recent problems with his job...but that there are alot of factors besides what im bringing to his attention that are fucking up marks career. he told me that he does not have the resources to help mark and that he may not be able to finish recruiting duty, the serverity of his actions may make it so that he is basically fired from the marine corps.
mark has no idea what is coming to him. hell i dont either. im scared. i wonder if i have made a mistake. i never intended to be the cause of mark losing his career. his career is everything...its more than me, and sometimes i think its more to him than junior...but now he may lose it all.
i wonder what his reaction will be. i wonder if he will come to his senses and see that what he has done to his marriage and family is not worth it. i wonder if he will hate me and not want anything to do with me. i am so scared.

should i move back in?

2008-07-15T16:16:53Z

so yesterday i left a message for marks gunnery sgt that i needed the info for the seperation asap. apparently he spoke with mark immediatly and let him know 1.)if i want the apartment, mark has 10 days to get out. 2.) i am entitled to 100% of his BAH (military housing allowance) while we are legally seperated.

mark actually tried to manipulate me into thinking that he was being forced out of the apartment (which i thought was wierd because i never spoke with any military official requesting this) and he was texting me like ten times in a 5 minute period begging me to call him. so....i actually called him back i told him the call was being recorded lol then i told him there is no need for him to leave i already have moved. then he asked about the baby i told him if he wants to see him during the day he can see him at day care and sunday i will drop him off after church i told him to please not ask me anything else in regards to me and where i am staying and does he have anymore questions. lol. i was talking to him like i was a damn police officer recording an interview. lol.

then after i got off work i went to marks gunnery sgt and asked him to verify what mark has been telling me. he told me he did tell mark that i could have the apartment if i wanted it and his bah but NO he did not tell him he is being forced out right now because i havent requested that yet. mark is retarded. still playing games tryin to manipulate me. nope...i dont have time.

well i am going this weekend with a friend to the legal office on an army base about an hour drive to file for the seperation. i have some time to think about moving into the apartment. i might move in on the 1st if i can get the bah by then. i keep worrying about mark and what he is gonna do. how is he gonna pay his bills. how is he gonna afford this and that. lord jesus i need to be thinking about ME and my baby cause lord knows he aint. but i just cant help it. i love this man. even after everything thats happend. i want him to learn from this, not try to push for a divorce because "this bitch is trying to take all my money." i am not trying to be vicious. its like i just dont know what to do.

we are meeting today to talk about the bills and the baby. i hope it goes well. i am not going back. but we need to come up with an agreement about how these bills get paid. well see how that goes.

atheniansista04 @ 2008-07-14T07:47:00

2008-07-14T12:45:00Z

ha, i've only been gone since friday and mark's brother just left yesterday to bootcamp. IMMEDIATLY after mark's brother got on the bus to bootcamp (i found out the timing from another military wife who's husband works with mark) he texts "how is mark?" at 1:30pm i waited about a couple hours before responding, "if you would like to see your son i will drop him off and you can take him to daycare in the morning," this was around 4pm. i got no response. then at 8pm i got a texts saying, "i miss you please come home." i didnt respond. i will not respond to anything he texts me unless it is about the baby because i wont play games in regards to our son. other than that there is nothing else i have to say, he knows the deal he knows why i moved out. he can play stupid if he wants to.

i have a place to stay for the next two months, with a friend. i cant thank her enough, it's really such a blessing. i really didnt want to have to sign a lease and now i dont have to. ill be saving alot of money and in two months i can decide if im ready to go back to california or not. i am already prepared for the "im so sorry please forgive me" attempts, there will probably be many.

i spoke with junior's day care today. i let them know that me and mark are seperated and they need to call me if mark picks the baby us, they said that was fine. i called his gunnery sgt this morning, left a message letting him know i need the info on the legal seperation ASAP that i have already moved out and need to turn in the paper work now. i really have made up my mind. unlike the MANY other times i will not be manipulated. i know that if i dont leave mark he will NEVER take me seriously. I don't want a divorce but i am prepared for that outcome if he doesnt change, I pray that he does though. I feel like i love him so much, but i love him enough to leave him too. i know i am about find out just how strong i really am. i will continue to go to church and surround myself by positive ppl. i will continue to journal. I will continue to pray.

THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMELS BACK

2008-07-12T20:12:18Z

i am too drained to write a post, so instead i copied and pasted a reply that i sent one of you in regards to my situation.
WHAT WHAT HAPPEND THIS TIME?
this stupid bitch. i needed to use the laptop. i got on the laptop (the one mark just bought) and immediatly AIM (aol instant messanger) logs on under marks name. i immediatly see that MISSY78786(or some name like that) was logged in, so...i clicked on the name (it was OBVIOUS it was a FEMALES name) then all of a sudden a LOOOONG convo pops up (AIM saves the last convo you have with a person within a couple of hours...even a couple days sometimes) and i started to try to read it...i wasnt even able to read a SENTENCE and mark bum rushed me...i mean ran over to the laptop and was like "dont read my stuff!" i was like WTF?! "i'm gonna read it...who IS THAT?!!?!" he says,
"its just a highschool friend!" he grabs the labtop. we struggle over the laptop im fucking PISSED!!! I go CRAZY in that moment...he will NOT let me get the laptop. i go into the bedroom i get al the clothes out of the closet on his side and i carry them out on to the patio and throw them over on to the yard. then i go back for a second round of clothes. mark is pissed...he starts tellin me i better leave his clothes alone...i dont...i go outside with the second batch of clothes, he locks me out. THEN he starts taking fucking pictures. as if he is collecting evidence. he finally comes outside and starts taking pictures of his clothes, and i take the opportunity to go back inside. i get my shoes...enough clothes for me and the baby as well as some clothes and some baby food and then i left. i am soooooo DONE.
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SO WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
i found an apartment in the ghetto thats $540/month but all my ulitities will be included, cable is included...all i have to is get mark to sign for me to get OFF the lease. i am now at this moment staying with a friend until monday. i get paid on tuesday. i wanna try to get into this place asap! it aint my dream apartment by any means but i gotta do what i gotta do! fortunetly its only 5 minutes from juniors day care and five minutes from my work. im going to file for the legal seperation on monday. i may even take monday off so i can take care of my business. at this point i cant go back. today (when i knew mark wouldnt be home) i went back to the house to get more clothes and food for the baby and i left. i dont even want to talk to mark. there is nothing to talk about. i wanna do everything through the military. i plan on just letting him know once i get this apartment squared away, "im moving out. im taking junior. i can bring junior on sunday mornings and you can take him to day care monday mornings. other than that, there really isnt much more to say." i have been so terrified to leave. i have convinced myself i cannot do it without him. fuck that. i alone bring in $1600 a month MINIMUM. and if he has to pay me child support and give me half of his BAH(military housing allowance), HE IS THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE SHITTING BRICKS, NOT ME. as far as the debt...im gonna have debt with him, or without him. i cant change it. but i have to get out of this situation because he is making me go crazy and i cant afford to but myself or my baby in a situation where there might not be any turning back. thank you for all your support. i know that i will get through this. i had a moment of weakness, i gave him YET ANOTHER CHANCE...but not this time. i really have, finally, reached my limit.

ITS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-11T19:51:22Z

IT'S OVER!!!! I AM DONE! THERE IS NO TALKING TO ME...THERE IS NO REASONING. I CAUGHT MARK YET AGAIN. ITS FUCKING OVER!!!

the update on me and mark

2008-07-09T16:35:53Z

So here is the update:

After a full week of staying in the babies room and giving mark the silent treatment...then after going to his gunny sgt...mark basically begged me to give me one final chance and said he was willing to everything on my list...including take back the labtop.

*** i made mark THINK he was taking the labtop back...but once we got there and he proved he was willing to actually give it up i decided he could keep it. BUT it has to stay in the living room on the desk...and its a FAMILY computer with no passwords that everyone can use. so far so good. i just hope it doesn't bite me in the butt later

***mark has been trying, i will give him that. for the first time in over a yr he came to church with me and the baby on sunday. he also agreed to go to counseling and we meet with our pastor next week to start that process. yesterday he suprised me with a rose on the bed. he has been putting in some effort so far.

***mark also has given me ALL his credit cards and bank cards and he actually balanced the budget for the first time since we got married. this is MAJOR for him. when it came down to it he actually gave us LESS spending money than i normally give us and hasnt complained since about how little money he has. he will DEFINETLY continue to do the budget lol and we will try to get our savings up and our debt down.

***im trying to be realistic about progress being made in this marriage. there are so many things that i am angry about there are so many things that have damaged the trust in my marriage that its hard for me to be open to forgivness at lease COMPLETE forgiveness but i am giving it my all. i have been praying and asking God for guidence and patience and I pray that mark and i can get through this and learn and grow. but its hard. i find myself almost waiting for him to fail. waiting to catch him in another lie. i can't do that, it wont allow him to grow...to change.

*** this whole brother in law staying with us for what seems like forever is getting easier. i am learning a lesson i have never learned..that family should be able to come to you when they need it. that i should probably get off my high horse and stop complaining because one day i may be in a position where i need help. even though i dont agree with how his brother ACTS, i am still trying very hard to be open to us helping him.

***i will continue to pray and if you pray please pray for this family and for this marriage.